Is This As Good As It Gets?

I have already mentioned that I am often too concerned with the future. So in general, my answer to the above question has always been "No... better is yet to come!" There has always been the next big thing in life to look forward to...when you are in high school it is college, after college it is making it on your own...then there is getting married....etc. We also had a few years in there where so much happened it was crazy...business school, wedding, amazing trips...so no matter how much I was enjoying myself I had a feeling that even better stuff was yet to come.

Then I had two babies, and the thing is, no matter how great other parts have my life have been, I'm pretty sure that this is as good as it gets. Now don't get me wrong, there is a lot in my life that is NOT glamorous right now, but I mean fundamentally, THIS is the last "big thing" in my life. Which has me both happy and sad. Happy because I feel so lucky that I have made it this far in life to be able to experience motherhood, and because it is everything I thought it would be and probably more. Sad because I think it might be all downhill from here. I know people say "oh it only gets better." And I believe them, to a point. The next 10 years should be fantastic. But then what happens? I keep asking my mother what it is like to have grown up kids, and she keeps saying "oh, I have liked my children more at every age."

You know what? I call bullshit on that. That just isn't possible. I understand that they get cuter as they talk and whatever, but then they learn to TALK BACK. And just comparing me to my daughters... when my mother walks in the room, I don't smile, screech, and kick my feet. I don't laugh at my mother when she is singing silly songs or making goofy faces. My clothes aren't little and cute and I don't get all excited when I hear "Hickory Dickory Dock." I am often critical of my mother (she claims that at 2 years old I looked at her and said "mama I love you even though you have that big ugly mole on your face"---she got it removed the next week and I guess I've never stopped giving her my opinion since) and I certainly don't kick my legs when she walks in the room. So I'm pretty sure this is as good as it gets.

Now I should probably take another look at my life and realize that there are things I've given up or put on the back burner that someday I will really enjoy picking up again... a solid attempt at a good career, dressing up and going out on weekends, running marathons (let's just say "exercising"), blowing my hair dry more than once a month. These are things that I did like to do a lot and one point and so I'm sure I'll look forward to them again. But I don't know...maybe it is my fear that some of those things I couldn't get back even if/when I want them... ie. could I ever make up what I might be losing career-wise right now, will I ever be in that good of shape again, will I ever actually feel like a bad ass again when I'm all dressed up (and yes, occasionally I felt that way). I said to andrew the other night after going out w/ a bunch of single people "I'm having a hard time getting used to the fact that I'm not even remotely cool anymore." So maybe I worry that I either won't want or won't be able to get some of these other things back someday. Fair enough.

But maybe it is just that I see things like the picture above...little shoes on the floor, a short little jacket hanging on the doorknob, a stuffed animal in our bed, an elephant washcloth in the tub... and I know that I can't stop this prescious phase in my life from eventually passing (other than having a lot more kids, and while I'm working on Andrew on this one I'm not sure how many kids one can handle and live in the bay area). And it honestly makes me want to both shout for joy and cry at the same time. So call me corny, but I'm going to continue to lament that someday it will be over, because at least that way I can't be accused of not recognizing how good I had it when I had it. (And for the record, I think my mother likes me a lot more now that I've had Charlotte and Dylan... : ))