Heading towards the holidays

As we get closer to the holidays I find myself really thinking about last year. Much like I dealt with the death of my father, I find that some of the emotions that I had about this time last year are actually coming out of me this year because in some ways I'm reliving what I couldn't face at the time. The difference between this and the death of my father was that this had a happy outcome.

By "this" I guess I mean my pregnancy. I didn't expect to have the pregnancy that I ended up having...I thought I was going to be miss-fit-pregnancy, not miss-bedrest-pregnancy. I have a hard time remembering any thoughts of "what will they be like" during the pregnancy because most of my time was spent wondering "would they even BE?" 24-28 weeks was the worst because I knew they could survive but they could have major problems/complications. Anyway, I don't think I can explain myself very well other than to say that lately when I go out on a run I burst into tears midway through the run--I think I'm both overjoyed by my life and allowing myself to remember a little of the fear that gripped me for so many months.

About the only thing that makes me sad is that so much of the girls first months of life are a blur. I think I was truly in shock. Some of my most distinct memories are very odd...I remember bringing colostrum to the NICU about the third night I was there, and hobbling in to find Dylan naked and laying on a very cold scale. A very petite nurse was weighing her, and I remember thinking how odd it was that this thing, my baby, this scrawny little thing who previously was with me 100% of the time, was doing things I didn't even know about... Sometimes I wonder if we lost a lot of bonding during those weeks in the NICU (and for this reason I loathe Dr. Sears because he basically makes preemie moms, and twin moms, feel as if they are never going to bond with their babies). But I have no right to complain about anything because I could not be more lucky today.

So why is this all coming out of me now? Well like I said, mainly because it was about a year ago that things got dicey. But I think it is also because I have been reading a fellow NICU mom's blog again lately. One of her amniotic sacs broke during her amnio, and she spent 10 weeks on bedrest before she went into labor at 26+ weeks. She delivered two beautiful daughters but only one of them survived. The surviving twin has a lot of complications, one of the main one being that she vomits all the time. My friend Mackenzie read her blog after I told her about it, and in an amazing gesture she offered to donate breast milk (the mother had stopped pumping before realizing that breastmilk was the best thing for her daughter). Mackenzie really started the donation trend, and recently I was able to give some of my own milk. (It feels like the end of an era because I now have freezer shelves filled with something other than frozen breastmilk). Anyway, I have been reading her blog and so much of what she experienced I did as well (willing your body to keep your babies in, being frightened, not excited, to be wheeled in for delivery, being wheeled into the NICU to see your babies in the isolettes) and yet our outcomes are so different. I read her blog because I want to keep up on how her daughter is doing, but I also read it because she is the strongest, most amazing mother I have ever seen and I can only hope to be half as good. I only wish that she didn't have to be a role model to the rest of us. This is her story if you'd like to read it.

I have been asked to join her preemie mom's group here in Marin and I have mixed feelings. I feel guilty because in general my babies are fine, and our "followup" is minimal compared to hers and several of the other mothers. At the same time, I know that I "get it" more than most mothers will... I know how often people say things that are insensitive to me, and so I can only imagine what some of these other women have to put up with... So I think I'm going to go, if only because I can understand 1/100th of what these women are going through.

I know, I'm rambling and I'll stop. I just spend so much of my time in awe of these two little things rolling around my house, and I can't imagine having gone through such hell only to suffer even more later. I promise not to go on and on about my pregnancy anymore, but I have been thinking about these things a lot lately and I just had to get them out.

November

Wow, has this month gone by in a blur. I have started a very bad habit--I start a blog entry and then save it as draft to finish later, but then I end up w/ several posts to finish and I never think I have enough time to actually finish them at one sitting so then days and even weeks go by. I'm going to end that habit right here--which might means that I end up w/ more hodge podge posts like the one I'm about to write, but whatever.

---It seems that we get sick in this household one person at a time--spaced far enough apart to make it really painful. First Charlotte started throwing up on Friday, then she gets a fever Fri/Sat. She seems to be getting better and then threw up again on Monday. Dylan started the same cycle on Tuesday, which lasted up until yours truly got sick upon my arrival in Houston. I hate when they are sick because it is really hard to give one the attention she needs without neglecting the other. I know, I know, I'm whining.

--We had professional photos of the girls taken last month.... I love all the pics of the girls... I hate the family pics but I'm ok w/ that because I didn't even think we'd take any.. I didn't even wash my hair that morning, and it SHOWS.

--We just got back from a week in Houston for Thanksgiving. Andrew's mother, in an act of grandmother sainthood, flew out here to California for one night just to fly back with me and the girls the next day. She was a total trooper and more than earned the title of SuperGram. Andrew flew out a few days later to join us. The week was very fun, but exhausting, as I am learning that holidays w/ babies are (read: not a lot of time to watch football). But here are some highlights:

• The girls got to hang with their cousins Ainsley and Hayes. Ainsley is much more interested in babies who don't actually LIVE with her, so she was very, very sweet to her cousins. She kept saying things like "I want to take pictures with the chubby one" or "I want to take pictures with the purple one (Dylan had on purple socks)." Hayes is 15 days older than the girls (actual age) and about 15 pounds heavier (no, I'm not kidding). '


• The girls got a lot of time with Gram and Sam. In fact, they got so much attention that they are sort of looking at me this week like "it's JUST you? this sucks!"


• The girls met Hokey Pokey Elmo...he's about their height and spins around...a big hit w/ both of them. They also met most of andrew's high school friends...Nicky is a little bigger than Hokey Pokey Elmo and also has red hair, so he was a big hit too : )
  
• The girls met Jill and the absolutely beautiful Avery. The only real disappointment of the week was that I came down with a fever after I got there and couldn't spend Monday with Jill and Avery as planned. We didn't even get a picture of the three girls which breaks my heart. I'm hoping it becomes an excuse to see each other again very soon.

Being in Houston was great but it did make Andrew and I appreciate living where we do (more urban vs. suburban). We are so lucky to live two blocks from just about everything we need... with two babies getting in and out of the car is a big pain, and where we live I rarely have to do it. So it made us really happy that we haven't gone suburban yet (although now i'm really freaked out about preschool because i applied to more Mill Valley than SF places and now I'm worried they won't get in anywhere...isn't that RIDICULOUS that it is so hard to get your kid into freakin' preschool!?)

In other news:

--Charlotte and Dylan are REALLY starting to get fun. They are starting to make each other laugh and it is really more entertaining than I can even describe. We'll be driving and we'll hear chuckling, and we'll look back and the two of them are leaning forward to look around their car seats and laugh at each other. The other day Dylan tried to roll around and kept rolling into Charlotte...Charlie thought it was the funniest thing and just kept laughing and laughing. They love to look across each other in the exersaucers and laugh, smile, or scream. I think they are finally figuring out that they are in fact two separate people... anyway, I could go on and on about what a thrill it is to be around them these days.

--Charlotte and Dylan are becoming, as far as I can see, very good eaters. I have been trying to make more food for them and give them more 'real people' food. I don't know if I have a philosophy on food other than that I want them to be open to a lot of different things, and I've read that you need to introduce them to things before they are one or else they may end up with very bland taste. The problem is that I SUCK as a cook...really, it bums me out how much I suck. So even though there have been several disasters I have managed to cook and puree up a few things. In the past week C and D have eaten: chicken pieces, beef pieces, beets, kale (dylan not a huge fan, but charlotte liked it!), petrale (white fish), clementines, tortillas, peas with curry and cumin, and raspberries. They have also eaten a boatload of Cheerios (a must-have for the airplane) and a lot of croissant (blame Gramma Peggy who loves to see them kick and scream when she walks in the bakery). They now eat WAY more things than their father. (Now I do pat myself on the back a little for giving them these things, but I also have to admit that I give them vanilla teething biscuits more often than I should...but that is the cookie lover in me...I just can't help myself).

--I have been struggling w/ my professional/personal balance a bit. More on that later....

PS. I know, I'm so pathetic that I don't have better pictures from Thanksgiving. These pics were very nicely taken by my sister-in-law Ali. There were in fact pictures taken of all the dodson kids, but just not on my camera...I'll post as soon as I get them.

Wedding Bells

My brother Daniel got married on Saturday, November 11th in San Mateo. Charlotte decided to ring in the wedding weekend by throwing up first thing Friday morning. So we had a sick Charlotte for the wedding weekend, but Andrew's parents came out to take care of the girls for the weekend which helped a lot. The wedding was very pretty, Andrea looked beautiful, and a good time was had by all. Here is a pic of the 4 of us at the beginning of the reception (Dylan is w/ Andrew). Poor Charlotte was getting over a fever so she looks a little dazed (and no, my ribbon doesn't match my dress--i bought the wrong color--and yes, my face is absurdly shiny). I really should stay out of all family pics because I inevitably hate how I look--maybe that is why it essentially took me two years to order wedding pics.

Innocent

Charlotte and Dylan went to the pediatric cardiologist on Wednesday. Dr. Nikola Tede was very nice to get them in to see her. (I love that we were referred to a woman. If I have my way the girls will only see female doctors. I will consider myself a successful mother if one day one of them says to me "Mommy he can't be a doctor. He's a MAN.")

The girls have "identical heart murmurs" according to Dr. Tede. Most importantly, they are "innocent" as far as she can tell. We'll go back in a year to check again, but for now we can be pretty confident that they are murmurs common to infants and that they will eventually go away.

Once again, we feel incredibly blessed that the girls seem to be doing so well. We are worried that Dylan is so small but we are going to simply monitor her weight for the time being.

Happy Halloween!!

Round two and three of our Halloween festivities involved three things...


First, we went to the NICU Halloween Reunion party. It was great to see Shannon, our favorite nurse, who is expecting a boy on my birthday. Unfortunately, we didn't see any other of our favorite nurses, but it was great to see a lot of healthy kids running around. In some ways it was once again a reminder of how lucky we are... even though for us those six + weeks were very significant, for many of the nurses we were just a blip on their radar screen. I mean this in the nicest way--- I'm quite sure they remember the babies in there for 4 months much more than they remember us. It was definitely a nice milestone to hit though, and it was great because Andrew was going to be out of town on Halloween and this way he saw them in costume.

Second, we went to the Chestnut Halloween parade (the street near us). It was PACKED--I was glad I wasn't trick or treating with the girls at different stores because it would have taken FOREVER.

Finally, we went to Serena and Alec's for their annual Halloween party. They live in the BEST neighborhood for trick or treating--they get hundreds of kids trick or treating (I'm not exaggerating). In years past it was mostly a party for single people and couples--we'd drink and hand out candy. This year it officially shifted to a party for mostly 'families'.... we were all so busy taking care of our own kids that we sometimes neglected the trick or treaters---every once in a while you'd see a trick or treater roaming around looking for the candy bowl! The only hard part for me was that Andrew was out of town, and so most of the time I had to trade off putting one of the girls in the car seat on the floor while I held the other. It is times like that that I get a little sad that my daughters don't always have someone who can pick them up and hold them at all times if necessary. But all in all, a great first Halloween for charlotte and dylan!