Being There

I'm sure I have claimed in previous posts that the past few months have been the hardest, most tiring, no Andrew, no sleep, etc. but I swear this time it really has been that bad. The past 5 months have been, honestly, grueling. I know that my life is really good, I know that so many have it so so so much worse, so I am by no means suggesting that my life is bad. But honestly, as fortunate as I know we are, things have been really tough lately. Between Andrew being gone and LBD not sleeping I am exhausted. I can't describe it any other way. Andrew is never home and when he is, though he is really good at not bringing his work home with him, he is still working in one way or another much of the time. I don't blame him at all, and I am incredibly grateful for his work ethic, his commitment to his family, and his all around goodness. But it has been really tough on both of us the past 4-5 months.

So there are days when I am just so tired and dejected that I find it hard to motivate. I question why I spend so much of my time with my kids. I wish I were jumping in the car to get a Starbucks on the way to work instead of running into my office to crank out a few hours.

But then sometimes something happens and it just makes it all a little easier. Not right or even wrong, but just easier. Today I dropped C and D off at school. It was a cold day and so we brought hats and jackets. After I left I ran an errand nearby and realized that I still had D's jacket. So I returned to school. When I arrived they were lining up to go on a 'field trip' to look at nearby olive trees. The look on D's face when she saw me was one of surprise followed by pure joy. C and D were both so pleased with the unexpected visit that they just ran up and patted me--rendered speechless by the encounter.

And I was happy. Because in that moment, I was there for her. It isn't a lot, it may not be the right choice, but in that moment, it felt good. Someday, so much sooner than I want, it will be gone, and I will (hopefully) have a lifetime to do more of all the other things that matter to me.

We recently went to a school tour and they said that "the kids love to see their parents helping out at school---until 4th grade. So get it while you can." I guess I am.